My Mad Libs Greatest Hits

26 Jan

photos by E. Groves

“Although we believe ourselves to be suspiciously civilized, most of us are really buttholes at heart because we still believe in broken-down-raggedy-ass superstitions that began while man still lived in whispers.”

Without Mad Libs, my friends and I would probably never write or say things like that. It’s the wacky, almost-completely-lacking context of Mad Libs stories that makes them so ridiculous — and sometimes riotously funny. I’ve probably done more than a hundred Mad Libs with my friends and neighbors. Sometimes, I’ve sat around spouting off random words with friends to fill-in-the-blanks for hours on end, and we’d laugh so hard reading our Mad Libs aloud. There were plenty of moments we laughed until our sides ached and tears were streaming down our faces. It’s in the spirit of friends and off-the-cuff fun that I present My Mad Libs Greatest Hits, culled from my thirteen Mad Libs books dating back I-don’t-know-how-many-years, and written with about a dozen different people.

Here are but 20 of the silliest, strangest sentences (completely out of context, of course):

“These events are called Olympic Vasectomies, and they started 544 years ago in flaming Greece.”

“I look forward to coming back to my muscular home, where my faithful dopamine will seductively greet me by wagging its ball sack and pooping all over me.”

“Movie fans ask why we can’t have more drunk pictures like It’s a Wonderful Landmine, Gone with the Drama, and Mr. Drag Queen Goes to the Bathroom.”

“When the vapors in whiny clouds condense, we have P. Diddy and snow.”

“Today the Poo Gallery presents a series of carbonated landscape paintings and still-life beef BBQ shreds by the lovelorn artist, Lindy Lou.”

“When you sprint or burp out loud, be sure to cover your sphincter and say, ‘I’m freakishly sorry.’”

“Later, when he’s 69 years old, he’ll learn to walk and you’ll hear the patter of little dehydrated hippies around the house.”

Piece of a Mad Lib

“Also, become familiar with weapons such as the thirty-caliber hip-hop coalition and the automatic inflamed hemorrhoid.”

“I will take my lukewarm beer to Dr. Ruth at least once a month.”

“I will try to lose at least ¾ pounds.”

“Life is lubricated, life is squishy, and the dog park is not the goal.”

“If you hear a gremlin howl at midnight, someone in your family will end up in Graceland.”

“I don’t think eating oppressive white men with the man you lynch is bad, but eating space alien and living 14 miles away from mother is better.”

“If you don’t know, you are probably oozing.”

“The songs they sing are mostly about some fellow who has been rejected by his colon hydrotherapist.”

“Here is chef Niki’s award-picking recipe for roast left big toe of sloth.”

“She had a diddling accident and broke her Barbara Bush in 33 places.”

“You are in the sunny mood to take racist chances in your furry life, but not until Venus realigns its jive turkey.”

“White wines range in flavor from superfly to rockabilly.”

“Every weekend you head to a meticulous night club and blow and an arm and an asshole on cover charges to practice thinking.”


One Response to “My Mad Libs Greatest Hits”

  1. May 29, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

    Thats funny! But thanks again for this post

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